I Love You...

I grew up in a family where "I love you" was not a phrase that rolled off of any of our tongues.  We were NOT that family that said it at the end of every phone call,  or as anyone was leaving the house or as we were saying good night.  We said it when moved upon,  on special occasions,  so that it meant something.  We were not an affectionate family either.  Well, Kami was affectionate.  But, no one else was.  We also didn't like saying "good-bye" either.    Still don't.   When I would come down to St. George to visit and I was wracked with sorrow to have to leave and go back up North, my mom and dad would say  "see ya tomorrow"  instead of  "good-bye"  because it was too painful.

But there was never one day of doubt that we loved each other.  I never felt for one mili-second that my parents didn't think that the earth revolved me.  There is no family that I know that is more supportive of each other, more devoted to each other and more in love than mine.

 Raleigh is very affectionate towards me.   He is trying to show me how to do it.  He is trying to make me feel safe enough to express it.  He always says "I love you"  and it sounds so wonderful when he says it.   I can honestly say that he is the only person walking on this planet that when I touch him or he touches me it feels okay.   That is how I knew we were supposed to be together.  I felt for the first time in my entire life like I fit, like a puzzle piece when I hugged him.  It was the most bizarre feeling I had ever experienced.  And I cried like a weirdo and I am sure he thought that I had lost my mind, but it was the most indescribable sensation.  And I never wanted to stop feeling that feeling.

Sadly, I am a mother that doesn't shower my children with affection.  It is foreign to me and very unnatural.  I try to say and show how I feel in my heart, but it sounds so stupid and comes out all wrong.  I also have about an 8 foot personal space bubble around me.  I don't let too many people into that bubble.  You REALLY have to earn your right into that space.  I don't want people hugging me or touching me.   I wish I could say that with practice, I could learn to feel at ease with it, but I don't think I ever will.

It's so hard to be something that you are not.

Anyway, about a month ago, I was driving Morgan and her friends to the mall and we were talking about something relative and she blurts out...  "my mom has only told me she loves me three times in my whole life."  And her friends were like...  oh that is so sad, Morgan.....  you poor thing.....  I would die if that was me.

And I let myself hate myself for about 10 seconds and then I got in touch with my mother reality and I said...  "Morgan, I tell you I Love You every time I drive you and your friends to the mall, and wash your clothes, and make you dinner that you are mostly not present for, and when I get up every morning and go to work so that I can make money to put a roof over your head and cool that home in the summer and heat that home in the winter,  every time you take a hot shower, you can know I love you, every time I call to find out where you are and who you are with and when you will be home, you can know I love you, every time I go to a parent teacher conference or vacuum your room or ask you how your day was, you can know I love you.

Nicolas Sparks said it best when he said

Love is more than 3 words mumbled before bedtime or at the end of a phone call.  Love is sustained by action: a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other everyday."  I will add, what good is saying I Love You when you turn around and thrash me behind my back the second I leave the room?  There have been a couple of times in my life when various people who used to be apart of my life said I love you to me (mostly because it was a habit they had formed) and I thought "the HELL you do.  Don't degrade those words by uttering them to me when in reality you feel exactly the opposite toward me.  You're two-faced and phony.  And no love is happening in this relationship.  So don't say it. It makes me want to barf on you."

I am not saying that I am right...  because I know that I am not.  But, I know that I love my family and my children and my husband with all of my heart and soul.  And if my words can't express it, I hope my actions always will.

Moving on to Valentines Day.  It was a total bust.  Raleigh had to work.  We had unexpected company.   I was stressed to the breaking point.  And I suggested that this year we forgo the traditional  "he buys me beautiful flowers and a really funny card about SEX and I search for some stupid gift at no less than 20 stores until I want to stab myself in the eye and finally buy some lingerie for myself and put it in a bag and pass that off as his "gift".  Which he says is the best gift I could ever give him because he's sweet.  But really, it's so stupid.  Besides, I look ridiculous in it any way.  Which kills the mood for me because SEXY is not something I do well.

Anywho....  I don't want to do that anymore.  I just want to know that he LOVES me and that I LOVE him and that we LOVE being in LOVE.  And no better way to say that than to get a couples massage and some ice cream.  The bottom line is I love him more than the sun and the moon.  I simply love just sitting by him.  That is good enough for me.  But maybe laying naked next to him with our faces in doughnut pillows with two strange women we have never met before touching us could be nice too.  It sounds horrifying to be honest.  We'll see.

And so there you have it.  That's my LOVE soap box.

This year....I love....

 Him with all my heart

 This cute boy

 These two beauties

 This sweet girl

 The triplets

And being a mom