January 2017

At the onset... I already know that this post will be a downer.  And for that I apologize.  I am not a downer person in any way.  But every year... year after year.... for my whole life, I have strongly disliked the month of January.  I think it's because I don't enjoy starting over.  And NOTHING exciting ever happens in this month.

First of all, I just have to say that this will be the worst Superbowl in the history of Superbowls and I will not be watching it, unless I hear that the Falcons are winning, then I will turn it on and laugh at Tom Brady.

This January was especially hard because I took the last week of December off and so going back to work after having 11 days off coupled with the crappy feelings the New Year brings,  made me feel like I was going to have a really hard time getting back into the swing of things.   My job doesn't help me.  It's a hard job.  It's confrontational almost every single day and people are so mean and thoughtless.  Politics and the country being in turmoil isn't helping.   Uncertainty is not something that I enjoy.

I don't love that my class in Primary has changed.  And that my sweet little, well behaved, eager to learn and very respectful class moved on to another teacher and now I have 13 kids in my new class.  Four of them are outstanding, stellar, above the line kids and I am not worthy to be their teacher.... but I can hardly enjoy them or rejoice in their awesomeness because the other 9 kids are little ....    .....  .....  oh. my. gosh, I want to say the S word so badly,  but I will refrain because I know they are all children of God....   But for crying out loud.  They. Are. So. Naughty.  No one deserves this especially at of all places.... church.  I don't know if I can make it through this whole year with this group.    I begged Raleigh to promise me we could move soon.   As I know that once you are stupid enough to say yes to a Primary Calling, you are in for life.  I know that the only chance I have of being released is to move (or to have a nervous breakdown, which I am contemplating).  And I am not kidding, I would rather pack up my entire life and move across town than do this for the next 48 weeks.  To Hell in a Hand basket, I may be going....  but if I am documenting truthfully the events of my life,  I must be honest,  even if at times I am politically incorrect and disappoint my mother.  But, I very much am not a fan of Primary.  Dare I say the word HATE.  Maybe that is taking it a bit too far.  Maybe.

 Since my days begin at 5:00, and because I have been sick off and on the entire month, I am so tired at night.  If I sit down for even 5 minutes, I am out.  Like, mouth open and drooling... out.  A couple of nights I was asleep by 8:00.  So, I would see Raleigh and the kids for a grand total of 2 1/2 hours a day.

That is pretty sad.

Nevertheless, as I am typing this and knowing that I am back to my normal self now and also that it is the 30th day of the month, I can reflect on a few of the events.

We had some snow.  Raleigh and Ryker jumped in the Rhino and did doughnuts in the cul-de-sac.  Morgan made us all go outside and take pictures and it was FA-REEZ-ING.  The problem with St. George is...  while yes it is bitter cold, no one dresses like it is.  Everyone wears semi warm coats more designed for fashion than comfort.  When we lived up North, every one dressed appropriately.  Hats, scarves, gloves, boots...   we all looked like huge dorks but we sure were happy and warm.  Here, we are just miserable.

 Papa and KK built a snowman in the front yard.  It was the cutest snowman in St. George.  They chose some buttons from Grandma Lou's button collection from the 1940s and Nana didn't have a carrot, but she DID have some celery for the nose.   I am SO blessed to have my parents help with these little kids.  KK is so lucky to get to go to their house 2 days a week.   I know that she will always remember these days.  We truly are blessed to have them in our lives.  We couldn't do this without them.  We are so grateful for their genuine support of us and how they always tell us they are so proud of us and that we are doing alright.  I love how supportive they have always been of us as a couple and of Raleigh and of our family.   They are a HUGE part of our success.

 When I was a little girl, we lived in Boise.  We lived about half a block from the school and I would walk.  But we were in Boise and so it snowed there a lot.  Mom tells the story that we were kind of poor and I didn't have snow boots and so I would wear my school shoes and mom would cover them with bread sacks and tie them around my ankles with rubber bands so that I could walk to school and not have soaking wet feet when I arrived.  I don't remember my real thoughts around this.  I think I remember hiding behind a trash can when I saw some big kids, but that may have been because I was scared that they were big not that they were going to make fun of me.  I don't think I was bothered.  It was just the way it was.

Well, KK only had her school shoes and not her boots on the snow day and so Nana remembered her old trick from 40 years ago and put sacks on KK's feet.  She.....  was not too thrilled.   But her little cloth boots stayed nice and dry.

Breaking News from January:  Ryker is taller than KK.

We knew it would happen.  

For the past year, people have just thought they were twins, but he is finally growing taller.

And we suspect, it will continue.  She will NEVER be taller than him again.

She is totally okay with it.

She likes being the smallest one in the family.

Ryker is SO and I mean SO smart.

And NO ONE is more in shock than me.  

I don't know why, but I always just thought he'd be an athlete 

and so I never imagined that he would be mind blowingly intelligent.

But he is.

We noticed it.

His preschool teacher notices it.

I can't wait for his kindergarten teacher to notice it.

Maybe it's because he is right brained.

 Peyton, as well, is brilliant...  she has been selected to be tested for the Gifted and Talented Program at school.  Her intelligence is different though.  She is more street smart and self taught than book smart.  And so I don't know how well she will really test.  She is mature and intellectual beyond her years.  She can argue a point until we are so confused, we don't have a come back.  She spends hours quietly researching interesting topics online.  She can tell us all about dinosaurs and whales and sharks.  She falls asleep around 7:00 every night often before we have even had dinner.  The rest of us do our thing and go to bed at normal times (8:00 for me, but 11:00ish for every one else) and then she'll wake up around 2:00 and put on her headphones and research.  We find her every morning curled up in the desk chair with her headphones on and various snacks all over the desk.  We have tried to tell her this is not a good schedule.  But that would be one of the points that she argues with us.  She just likes being up when every one else is sleeping.  It makes her feel happy and safe for some reason.   And we are too exhausted to argue.  And just maybe one of these nights, she'll find a cure for cancer.   (Before anyone feels compelled to lecture me on my bad parenting: We have VERY strict parental controls in place on our computer and her headphones are wireless.)

 Amazon delivered our new dishwasher silverware basket in a HUGE box and KK begged us to let her keep it.  She decorated it and filled it with her favorite things.  And this is where she sleeps every night.  I DO NOT,  FOR THE LIFE OF ME, KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE BEAUTIFUL BEDS THAT WE HAVE PROVIDED FOR THESE CHILDREN.  But, if someone from the school were to ask them where they sleep at night, Peyton would answer "in a chair"  and KK would say 'in a box."  And Raleigh and I would be sent to the state ordered parenting classes over at the behavioral health center.   In this picture, she is cuddling her jewelry box and all of her jewels are falling out.  She also has her drawing journal, which she keeps a daily pictorial record and her most prized possession on this whole earth, Bokee, her blanket that we brought her home from the hospital in and she hasn't gone one day of her life without, with the exception of that one night, Nana took Bokee to her house for a night to sew up all of her flaws and it was the most horrible night of KK's life.

 I literally die every time I get in Raleigh's car and see his badge from work.  I am so sure he posed like this and someone took his picture looking like this and he wears it on his belt to trade shows and people who don't know him think that this is serious.  What a crack up.

 Morgan got her Patriarchal Blessing this month.  It was fabulous and I wish I could yell the contents of what is going to be her amazing life for every one to hear.  I could hardly contain myself during it.  2 times, I went into an ugly cry.  We tried desperately to take a decent picture afterwards, but we couldn't.  I was emotionally drained and she was overwhelmed.  I am so lucky to get to be her mom.

Probably one of the hardest parts of January was basketball.   I have come to learn that I am NOT a mom that will be able to be present in the sports life of any of my children who choose to play any sort of sport of any kind.  For several reasons...

1.  I am unable to grasp the concept of complete devotion to the team/sport.  It's not that I am not supportive, I am just not mentally capable of wrapping my head around anything having that much control on my life or the lives of my children.  It's completely stupid to me.  Like idiotic.   And I will not fall victim to it.  There are several and I mean SEVERAL things in our lives that are or should be FAR MORE important than nightly practices that go until 8:00 pm.  And I will not let my priorities get out of whack.   Practices go anywhere from 1-2 hours over scheduled time.  And we are just sitting in the parking lot....  waiting.... because we have NOTHING better in our lives to do and we don't have other children/responsibilities.  And then, if we heaven forbid go home and wait for our daughters to text us when practice is finally over, we find them sitting outside, alone, in front of the school, in the dark in NOT the safest of neighborhoods with NO COACH in sight because she has high-tailed it out of there.

2.  I am so unbelievably NOT okay with coaches.  I am sure there are good ones out there, I just don't know any of them and Allie's coach is for sure not one of them.   She is a coach of a FRESHMAN GIRLS basketball team (which is not impressive) so stop acting like you are impressive.  And she has successfully destroyed the spirit and self esteem of nearly every girl on the team.  She is so obviously unhappy in her own life that she has to wreck every one in her path.  I think she played B-ball in High School but it's clear she hasn't exercised a day since then.  And she shows up to games in her leggings and stiletto boots, which we all know are KILLING her feet because she has the "my feet are killing me limp" going on as she paces the sidelines spewing her negativity.   Taking her physical and personal pain out on MY CHILD right in front of me.  And the people of the sports world have created the culture that we, as parents, are NOT ALLOWED to say anything.....

Like "look wench, Ima meet you in the parking lot after this game and mess you up."

Instead....  I have to control myself and resort to sending anonymous strongly worded emails to the principal...  so that this piece of crap wont retaliate against my child any more than she already has.  I have to write to him, letting him know the 11 ways his Frosh Coach is screwing up and tell him that I had better see some changes or I'll send my next email to HIS boss.

Consequently, I have had to completely remove myself from the entire experience.  I pick her up and drop her off to practice but that is it.  I cannot attend her games.  I am not supportive of team activities and I have a horrible attitude about every thing.  I hate it.

3.  I am SO MONUMENTALLY NOT OKAY with any one who has the audacity to attach a value to any of my children based on what other children are doing/able to do.  You judge my child by his or her own merits and how they have improved on those or by the amount effort that they are putting in to try and improve themselves.  And NOT on how your have determined that they compare to the other members of the team/class.

I am however, so proud of Allie.  Inspite, of the borderline abusive treatment she has received at the hands of this horrible human, she has stayed loyal and devoted although I have no earthly reason why.  I have asked her to quit no less than 10 times.  Nothing is worth this experience.  If we have true priorities in place, then we would rather have our children value themselves as human beings and develop traits like compassion and self love and personal worthiness over dedication to something that at the end of the day will profit them NOTHING.   And certainly, insisting that they be loyal to someone or a group of someone's who are hell bent on destroying their spirit should NEVER be allowed or encouraged by a parent.  Regardless of the scholarship they may or may not receive.  I HATE SPORTS.

Here is a story that was told in our Stake Conference.  This sums up my tirade.  And has changed my life:  I will paraphrase in my own words....  but the message is the same.

There was a man.  And he would go to the High School Track Meets and he would cheer louder than every other person in the stands.  He would cheer for the person in first place and for the person in last place equally as loud.  Sometimes when the last place person would come in, this man would be the only one cheering.  No one knew why he would get so excited... as none of the participants were his children.  Finally someone asked him why he cheered like he did.  And his answer was, I believe in the power of Personal Records.  Any time any one can beat their personal record is a victory.  It doesn't matter if they come in first or last.  What matters is that they did better in this race than they have ever done before.  I cheer for them so that I can help them push themselves as hard as they can and so they will not be discouraged by how they are doing compared to all of the other runners, but rather how they are doing compared to themselves.  I encourage a personal best time out of every runner.  

As in life, our only focus should be on our own personal best time.  We should not be looking to see who is in front of us or who is trailing behind us or who is watching us in the stands.  Our only focus should be on improving our personal record every day.  Focusing only on doing better today than we did yesterday.   It breaks my heart when the only thing any of us care about is winning or the winner.  When the person coming in last place tried every bit as hard and was equally successful in accordance with his own personal abilities.  And he deserves a cheer as loud as the one we gave the winner.   And so I cheer for him equally as loud because he is a winner just the same.  

Thank you Elder Smootz of the Seventy for this enlightenment.  I promise I will strive in February to do my Personal Best.   

Bring on February.....  I am ready to tackle this year now.