May 2020

Remember that one time I said that if no one from our family got sick and if our jobs were all in tact when this quarantine is over, it will have been an overall positive experience

And then May happened. 

Relatively speaking, when I consider how we've been challenged in our past, it still hasn't been anywhere near our most trying month, but it's been a literal roller coaster of emotions and a huge lesson in putting our faith in our Heavenly Father.  

I continue to learn so much from our experiences.  I continue to grow and change and hopefully improve, although, sadly I must admit that I took like 5 steps back in my personal progression this month because I became so overwhelmed and overloaded and I had a bit of a breakdown.

I did my best to keep it to myself.  Thank goodness on Fridays at work I am the only one in the office and so on this particular Friday, I sat and cried it all out.  It was nice.

I have never said so many prayers.  I just kept praying, trying to get a different answer because I didn't like the ones I was getting.  

I just kept getting the "be patient" feelings.

The "My time is not your time" feelings.

And I was filling up with anxiety.

Every other day, I find myself driving past the site of the new temple.

And every time I do, I am reminded that what we are experiencing is so trivial compared to the big goings on from an eternal perspective and it is probably in my best interest to relax and let go of the desire to get control of things right now and to remember who is in charge here.

Probably the greatest thing I stumbled upon this month was The Gratitude Prayer.

I learned about this half way through the month on a critical day and it has really helped me. 

I was blessed to have been introduced to it and I write it here not only to document it but so that maybe it will be a gentle reminder to me and just may help future me or even better, my prodigy.

When you want to give full voice for your worries and fears and drop your burdens at the feet of our Father you say this:

Gratitude Prayer

I thank Thee that you've already got this.

You know the end from the beginning and have already made ample provisions for deliverance.  

You know how it will turn out.

And I thank you for giving me the patience, grace and power needed to pull through this. 

I thank Thee for knowing exactly what I need right now and in the future.

And for having it all under control.

I will wait on Thee because Thou art never late.

These words have transformed me and changed the way I feel about the apparent lack of control we have over our lives and the way things will play out.  

Which is essentially quite alright with me because I would royally screw things up if I was in charge that is for sure.  I was, to say the VERY least, an emotional wreck this month.

Contributing factor: I am either pregnant or pre-menopausal (if you get my drift) hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa......and it is wreaking havoc on my judgement.

Like we're talking 14 year old Kaci was trying to make decisions for 48 year old Kaci's life.

Wow!!  No one wants that

Some may say this is TMI.

I say meh!!

This is real life

Hormones are of the devil

I have had to find un-natural patience that I simply do not possess.

And it is killing me.

This first May event caused several emotions...

Allie actually leaving the nest.

I tried not to be sad, so that she would not be sad. 

Nana came over and gave her the infamous graduation lei that she makes for the kids.

Allie was so happy to get one, even though she didn't get a graduation

 And then she got in her car and drove away and left me bawling in the front yard.

I cried it out...  don't worry

Raleigh tried to keep me busy with a few yard projects.

We moved at least 50 wheel barrow loads of rocks to another part of the yard in preparation for our backyard upheaval project to begin.

 We dug up some cute plants from the side yard and repurposed them in the front.

They look really cute and surprisingly, they aren't dying like I thought they would.

Stupid Costco makes their customers wear masks.

I considered boycotting in protest.  But, I need to go there, not only for our family,

but for work a couple times a week.  

I cringe.

I also decided if I was going to have to start wearing a face covering, I'd like it to be cute if possible.

I found a mask online at SexyModest.

What a crack up!!

It's modest for sure and I suppose some one, somewhere might consider it sexy...

But I mostly feel embarrassed and I can't breathe. 

It's the stupidest thing in the world to go to stores and see every one wearing masks.

I really HATE it, which is weird.  I am a germophobe.  You'd think I would be fully embracing this social distancing (you keep your germs to yourself) way of life we are now living... but I mostly think it is so SO dumb.  And we look ridiculous and we are acting ridiculous.

Emotional breakdown number 2 was me just wanting to go back to the old way of living.

I cried it out....  don't worry

 We tried to pretend it was the good ole days and went out to dinner at Red Robin.

Only, it just made us feel kind of worse. 

Everywhere you looked there was a lame reminder that things were freakin' bizarre.

Statue of Liberty with a Covid Mask on for instance.
Peyton asked me to take her picture by it for remembrance. 

 KK started art lessons with my friend Kris Horton.

They are kindred spirits and they talk about how beautiful the earth is and all of the colors in it

 Kris gave her homework.
Honestly, KK has a gift

We had a fun Mother's Day.  Even though there were parts of it that caused some emotions.  Don't even worry, I cried it out.  Mom and Dad and Quincey and Vince came over for dessert and Quincey and Allie showered me with gifts.  And Quincey cut every one's hair.  And then Uncle Jamie popped in and brought Pasta and took a tour of the house.  

 Also, for Mother's Day...  Raleigh bought me six sconces.  We put them up in various pre-planned locations and I LOVE THEM.  

He life hacked them with puck lights, so that we didn't have to hire an electrician to hard wire them.

Brilliant.

Another emotional event that occurred was my unfortunate birthday.

I really dis-like my birthday.  It's super awkward.

Part of me wishes people would accidentally forget about it, 

but then it just might be worse if that happened.  

 I was very well taken care of by my family and friends. 

It wasn't a terrible 49th ..... considering

Considering....  I completely HATE my job.

And boy was my birthday a doozie of a work day.

Let me be more clear.  I love the job, hate the leadership.

You know what they say...  people don't leave jobs, they leave management.

Yep.

I am so frustrated, un-supported, overwhelmed, overworked, under appreciated, underpaid, disgusted and there isn't a day that goes by where something mind blowing happens and I am left Mouth. Wide. Open.

People are unbelievable.

I am working on a few things.

First and Foremost: Patience

Then: Trust

Then: Much needed change.

My cute co-workers decorated my desk and gave me candy!!!

And...  a soda gift card.

Soda: Mormon Mom's Crack.

Mom and Dad took me to Texas Roadhouse and bought me a cake.

Raleigh bought me lotion, which is like liquid gold and also a cake. 

And now I'm sloshy and a strong metabolism is not on my side anymore.

What with me being pre-menopausal and all...

The final event of the month was this...

Raleigh has been donating his plasma for over a year to save money for our backyard. 

It is a personal sacrifice where he has what look like literal "track marks" and two times a week he comes home with iodine stains and bandages on his arms.  He says it doesn't hurt, but when he takes the bandages off, the hole bleeds for a few minutes.  I would pass out or throw up if I went to that place and saw people laying in beds with bags of blood hanging everywhere.  

He's so cool.

Anyway, he has saved up enough cash, which he has been storing in our safe for 14 months.

It is untouchable money.

For one purpose only.

With the intent of giving us a beautiful place to hang out on our summer nights and also to up our property value to increase our equity and make this investment even better

Step One:

Bring in a professional with really BIG toys to dig up and move the ground on the East side of the house and in the back yard.  There was a TON of red dirt and at least 400,000 boulders.  The man ferociously went back and forth and back and forth with shovels full of goodness and had NO WHERE to put it because renting a Side Dumper that would collect the mess and then deposit it in an undisclosed location was simply out of the question and we were left with no other option than to have him place it on the west side of the house, which is not part of the renovation plan right now.  He did so, thus creating a 10 foot wall of dirt 6 feet high.  That we will never get rid of.... NEVER.

Trying to be positive about it....  I will say that it created a free wall between us and the neighbors.  Now we don't need to build one out of bricks.

 In the space of 8 hours we freed up SO much more square footage.

It's hard to see it, but this is a 4X6 square of stone that he dug up from 6 feet under the ground.

He was so amazed, he took a picture and called his friend about it.  

Then he swiveled his do-hickey around and placed it on the side of our house, where it will have to stay until the end of time. I will guess it weighs at least two tons.  

And now the "fun will begin" according to Raleigh

Good thing the bulk of the work will be done on the East side where the blaring hot summer sun will be blocked by the house from 11:00 on.

He has such grand plans...  I cannot wait to watch the progress. 

I predict that every day will have new results.

What a crappy month.
I really didn't like it.
And I am glad it's over.
I don't deal at all well with uncertainty and unknown.
And while I truly do know that we are blessed beyond measure and will continue to be, it's so hard to be in this part of the story.
Everything has been affected.  My creativity, my outlook, my confidence, my attitude, my faith, my health and the worst part ,,, my hope.
Here's to hoping that June will bring a change to that.