Thankful...... November 6th

November 10, 1994, my first born was 4 days old.  I had had a really rough day.  I was exhausted, I hadn't slept in 3 days and my milk had come in and I had triple F boobs.  I was miserable.  Brayden was sleeping on the floor on his stomach and I laid down next to him and put my face next to his.  And I was listening to him breathe and all of the sudden I realized that I was in charge of this little person for every single day for the next 18 years. And I started to panic.  And I was breathing heavily and I started having an anxiety attack of epic proportions.  And I called for my mom and I said  "I can't do this....  I can't be a mom for 18 years.  I'm going to forget to feed him.  I'm going to have to be the one who comforts him when he is sick or sad.  I am going to have to provide for his every need until he is 18.  I can't do it.  I don't even want to. 

And my mom said....   "honey, you will not forget to feed him... he won't let you forget. You just need to take it one day at a time.  Or one hour at a time if that is easier.  But I know that you CAN do it.  And to be perfectly honest with you, it's too late to turn back now.  He's here and he needs you.  So pull yourself together."

Fast forward to today....... here I am....  18 years later.   And my heart is aching.  And the anxiety attack that I have been having today is very different.   I cannot believe that this day has come and how very quickly it has arrived.   I don't want him to be 18.  I don't want these years to be over.  There is so much I didn't do.  There is so much that I didn't say.  There is so much that I forgot to teach him and more that I forgot to tell him.

I love him more than I could ever fully express.  He is a fabulous son and a very good boy.  He is kind and loving and tenderhearted.  He is good to me and compassionate and thoughtful.  He has been a joy to raise.  I cherish every day that I have been privileged to be his mother.  This is a very, very, extremely hard and utterly emotional day for me.

The University of Utah Black Out Game on his 14th birthday

Pioneer Trek 2010... a HUGE accomplishment for him

 I could not be more proud or blessed.  I know that I have known him much longer than his 18 years.  I know that we were together before we came to earth.  Our spirits speak to one another.  And I am so glad that we have been able to go through this journey together.

Happy Birthday to my son who is officially an adult today!!!

It's November 6th.... and I am thankful for Brayden